In this article, I am going to go into more detail about another type of attachment style. You may identify with this style as you read. It affects how you relate to your significant relationship today or in previous relationships you have been in. It could have caused some problems, especially if you don’t recognize that this has been your attachment style that you’ve been operating on.
I would describe it as, ‘come closer, go’. They are polarized at two ends. When you want more closeness, you want the other person to be that much closer to you. When they are close, you notice that you start to feel that they are too close. You may have experienced inconsistencies in your own upbringing that shaped the way you relate and feel attached.
*Alicia’s attachment style was like this. Her husband, Andrew, noted that there were times when she felt that his wife was complaining that she did not feel close to him. They had just vacationed in the Bahamas, both of them. He spent some time listening to her as they walked along the beach. They ate many meals together and went on mini excursions. He didn’t understand why his wife lacked a sense of closeness. They had been back less than a week. 6 months ago his wife was working overtime and even when things slowed down she seemed distracted and distant. This was not the first time he had noticed hot and cold behavior in her 3 years of marriage.
Taking a closer look at Alicia’s childhood, she described how her mother was often unavailable and she did not always experience a warm upbringing. In fact, emotions were not a topic that she could easily talk about in her family. She had always wished she could trust her mother when she was struggling or depressed. As she got older and grew older, she stopped expecting her mother to be there for her emotionally. She said that she longed for closeness from her, but it left her feeling hurt and vulnerable as she tried to express the struggles she felt at times. As a result, she formed her relational style. She draws near because she craves closeness to her heart, but walk away when she feels vulnerable. Closeness is also a double-edged sword because she has opened her up to feeling insecure as the message being communicated to her from her is that feelings of vulnerability are not welcome or fear of rejection.
There is a push and pull element to this attachment style. While this attachment style does not mean a person is pathological, it can be an indicator of when vulnerable feelings are triggered.
- Instead of pushing the other away, start being aware of him.
- Write down what those fears are that make you want to push away feelings of closeness.
- When you want closeness, notice what feelings come up.
- The more conscientious you are and the more you make conscious adjustments to not alienate your partner, the less likely it is that the extremes of this attachment style will wreak havoc on your relationship.