I waited for life to return to “normal” for a full year after the birth of my first daughter. Call me a slow learner, but that was how long it took me to realize that “normal before kids” was gone forever. Eventually I understood, it was redefining normal. When my second daughter was born, I had learned my lesson. I knew from the start that once again we had arrived at a new construction of normalcy.
For many mothers, this new “normal” is filled with frustration and ambivalence. She passionately loved my babies and was caring and attentive. But I often greeted my husband at the end of a long day of care with open arms, not to hug him, but so he could take the baby off my hands. On particularly bad days, he’d ask, “Where were you? You said you’d be home at 6:00 and now it’s 6:07!” It’s a miracle we’re still happily married.
While all mothers can experience this type of ambivalence, the feeling can be especially prevalent if you are breastfeeding. As Julie, a mother from New Jersey, explains, the “incredible connection” she has with her child is incredible, but “sometimes that connection, the physical contact, is just too much. Nursing is constant, all the time.” she adds. . “Sometimes it’s wonderful, but I didn’t realize how intense some days would be. And those are usually the days when he needs it the most.”
Like Julie and her son, nursing mothers and children share a unique embodied relationship. On the one hand, mother and baby have a physical, almost spiritual connection: your baby cries, your milk comes down; your baby sucks, your uterus contracts. The limits are almost non-existent. On the other hand, you and your child have separate and often conflicting needs; her baby’s need for connection and fusion contrasts sharply with her need for autonomy and self-definition.
It’s not always easy
Nobody said that being a father was going to be easy. And breastfeeding, while deeply rewarding, isn’t always a walk in the park. But as difficult as it may be to give in to your child’s needs, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to give up formula-feeding.
Doula and psychologist Lauren Korfine points to the lack of safe spaces where nursing mothers can give voice to the darker side of breastfeeding without validating those who promote formula as a woman’s best friend. “In this culture,” she says, “whenever something is difficult, the immediate response is, ‘Then don’t do it.’ It’s hard to be in labor, so take the labor out. It is difficult to have a fever, so remove the fever. It’s hard to be a mother to your child in a conscious and attached way, but people are afraid to say that because the reaction of others would be, ‘So put the child in a crib or give him a bottle.'”
taking care of yourself
There are few things in life that we enjoy 100 percent, all the time. You may be totally committed to nursing and not enjoy every second of the experience. But it is not healthy for you or your family if you become a martyr. As important as it is to respond to your baby with sensitivity and compassion, it is also important not to neglect her own needs to a constant and sometimes dangerous degree. Even without postpartum depression, she may still feel irritable and moody. And as the old saying goes: “When mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy.”
Here are some suggestions to help you get back on your emotional jog, to remind yourself that you are more than someone’s 24-hour snack bar.
● Find kindred spirits. Women were not meant to be isolated mothers. She picks up the phone and talks to a friend. He calls your mom. Look for online groups of women who share similar parenting philosophies. Meet someone for coffee.
Julie is part of a group of mothers who breastfeed and nurture as she does. They understand that when she moans, “I can’t take it anymore!” or she complains about feeling “touched”, she is not saying that she regrets her decision or that she wants to wean her. “A lot of conventional moms just look at me and say, ‘Wow! Are you still doing that?’ “But I couldn’t imagine weaning my son now. If she falls or gets upset, nursing is the quickest way to connect with him and say, “It’s okay.” If he feels overwhelmed in new situations, there is the “registration” nursing quick fix. If he’s hungry when we’re at the mall, I can take care of him. It’s a piece of cake.”
● Create some space. See if someone can watch your baby for an hour or two, maybe a friend, a neighbor, or a high school or college student. If you’re in a relationship, try to carve out some time for yourself on a regular schedule. When you’re a 24/7 parent, even going to the grocery store can be a blessed event, if you can do it alone.
● If your baby is old enough that you don’t have to worry about nipple confusion, you may want to express a little milk from time to time to leave with your partner or babysitter. While some people believe that mothers should never be separated from their babies, it may be better to have a short break if it means you won’t resent mom’s body’s seemingly constant need for food.
● Move your body. Go for a walk. Exercise. Deep down, I’m a pretty sedentary person, but even I’ve noticed how much better I feel after doing something physical. And if you don’t have anyone to give you a short break, exercise and movement is something you can often do with baby in tow.
● Finally, if things get worse, just put the baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to breathe. Kids aren’t the only ones who sometimes need a “time out.”